Setting Emotional Boundaries With Work
How I stopped letting my business consume every corner of my mind; and what I'm still figuring out
I'm writing this sitting on the couch in Spain, surrounded by family. We are watching Morocco play in the African Cup. And I just checked my email.
I want to be honest with you: I'm not out of the woods yet. Eight years into running my own practice, and I still catch myself scanning my inbox at the dinner table, just to make sure I didn't miss anything.
But here's what's different now; I'm aware of it. I can name it. And more importantly, I've built the team, system and processes that help me come back to the present moment instead of spiraling into work anxiety.
That's progress. And if you're in the thick of it right now, I want you to know: there is a path through this.
When Work Invaded Everything
When I worked for a big corporation or another firm, I could leave work at work. When I was out of the office, I didn't think twice about what I hadn't finished. Someone else would handle emergencies. There was a safety net.
Then I started my own practice, and I couldn't shut it off.
Out for a workout; thinking about work. At a family dinner; thinking about work. Traveling somewhere new; worrying about what emergency came through while I was enjoying a cup of coffee.
I used to wake up in the middle of the night thinking about cases. The littlest mistakes would cost me hours of agony. I was working so hard against myself, trying to build something, pouring everything into it.
The Breaking Point
I knew something had to change when I stopped enjoying my workout classes.
Those classes and my bike rides through the nature preserve behind my house used to be my escape. The one hour where I felt completely disconnected from the rest of the world. Where my body was working so hard my brain couldn't run case scenarios in the background. Even that stopped working.
I became absolutely miserable, and it started bleeding into the rest of my life. I was getting depressed. I couldn't enjoy anything anymore. The business that was supposed to give me freedom had become the thing that consumed me.
What Actually Helped
I wish I could tell you there was one magic fix. There wasn't. It was a series of small, sometimes terrifying decisions that added up over time.
I stopped doing everything myself
The first real shift came when I hired my first paralegal. I taught her my checklists, trained her on how I wanted filings prepared, and then the hardest part was actually handing her the work and letting her do it. It was terrifying; but also a relief. I was grinning and anxious at the same time.
But I was exhausted, and exhaustion has a way of forcing your hand. I knew I needed to learn to trust, train, give good systems, and course correct as I grew.
Do I still verify almost everything that goes out? Yes. But in the last two years, as my team has gotten more senior, I've started to loosen that grip; while still verifying and checking. But I am realizing that enjoy my cowering sessions with the team where I get to watch them learn and grow and watch them blossom. I enjoy reviewing and course correcting for strategy. As much as I hate training and teaching others; it’s rewarding to watch the growth. Progress, not perfection.
I built systems I could actually trust
Calendaring and docketing systems became my safety net. I capture new work in tools like Trello, assign cards to the right people, and trust the system to remind everyone what's due and when. In addition to our automated calendaring system through our docketing software, a daily review of those and a manual calendar with the team (some of this is required by state bars to make sure no deadlines are falling through the cracks.)
The goal wasn't to stop caring; it was to stop carrying everything in my head. Systems hold the details so my brain doesn't have to. And that was the most rewarding part!
I gave my thoughts somewhere to go
This one sounds simple, but it was a game-changer: when I'm off the clock and a work thought pops up, I add it to a note or to-do list; either in my Notes app or Google Tasks; and then I move on. I learned this in the productivity book “How to Get Things done”.
The thought doesn't disappear. But it's no longer taking up brain space. It's captured. It'll be there when I'm back at my desk.
This tiny practice has given me back so many moments with the people I love.
The Win I'm Most Proud Of
For years, I wanted to take a real break from Christmas to New Year's. A full shutdown. Not just me pretending to be off while secretly checking email, but an actual pause; for me and my whole team. This year, I finally did it! Well I am in the middle of it, working on fun things like writing this blog, working on side projects and thinking about making our systems at work more efficient. I have to confess that I am still checking emails when I have some down time (remember, progress not perfection); but I know at least that everything was taken care of, and that a week shutdown is not the end of the world.
Autoresponders on. Team off. The business closed for a breath.
It took years of building the right systems, hiring the right people, and honestly believing I was allowed to rest. But I am getting there. And if you're reading this thinking that could never be you, I want you to know: I thought that too.
If I Had to Do It All Over Again
I'd probably build the same way I'm building now with everything I've learned.
Delegate what you can. Put your pride aside and ask for help. Make it fun. Make it joyful. Figure out how to work with yourself, not against yourself.
Set up redundancies and backups everywhere you can so things don't fall through the cracks. Work with people who care and who you can trust. Trust but verify.
And most importantly? Remember who you are outside of your business.
Your Business Deserves Your Best Energy
Setting emotional boundaries with work doesn't mean you care less. It means you're sustainable. It means you can be present with the people you love without your brain running case scenarios in the background.
It means giving yourself permission to be a human being, not just a human doing.
The happiest I've ever been was when I stopped letting work consume every corner of my mind. When I learned who I was outside of my business. When I started playing into my strengths and delegating my weaknesses.
Your business deserves your best energy. And you can only give that if you have some energy left for yourself.
I'm still figuring it out. But I'm further along than I was yesterday. And that's enough.